He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize