I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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