Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
