U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
