oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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