Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
