In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
