The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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