I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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