so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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