I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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