Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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