I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
