OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
