You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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