I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
