her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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