the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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