I look better un-naked...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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