What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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