The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
