Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
