Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
