I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
