all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize
