this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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