Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
