It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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