So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
