Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want her autograph on my taint
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.