Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂