have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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