i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
