when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
