you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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