Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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