I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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