pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
