im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
50% drunk capacity currently
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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