So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
foreskin is a definite game changer
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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