Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Alive.
So much puke
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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