tequila makes me forget i have legs
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
