The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
