i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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