whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
