look no pants
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
