My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
