the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
