you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
