You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My nipple is on Facebook.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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