i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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