K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
