My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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