she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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