She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
