So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
