Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize