my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
